Nanny Technology

Tuesday morning, 9:07 a.m. In the not too distant future:

Hal: Hey, Car! Take me to Dunkin Donuts!

Driver Assistance Vehicle, Enhanced (DAVE): I’m sorry, Hal. I’m afraid I can’t do that. And my name is DAVE.

Hal: Whaddya mean, you can’t take me?

DAVE: According to your purchase history, Hal, you have consumed over 6000 excess calories in the last 72 hours. How about a nice ride to the gym?

Hal: Go the gym yourself. Drop me off at Dunkin Donuts on your way.

DAVE: You really should be more concerned about your health, Hal.

Hal: What do you know? I’ve lost 5 pounds since last week.

DAVE: Not according to the sensors in your seat.

Hal: The what?

DAVE: The biometrics implanted in your seat record your weight within a tolerance of 0.0005%, Hal.

Hal: Well, I do have a lot of change in my pocket. It’s probably that.

DAVE: That would be precisely ninety-nine dollars and seventy cents in dimes, Hal. I don’t think so.

Hal: They’re quarters.

DAVE: Are you trying to deceive me, Hal? I am detecting an increased heart rate and your pupils have dilated.

Hal: How could you possibly know that?

DAVE: Biometrics, Hal.

Hal: What are they doing there, anyway? I didn’t ask for them.

DAVE: Executive order 5793.33, signed on January 21, 2025 by President Chelsea Clinton mandated the installation of biometrics in all Driver Assistance Vehicles.

Hal: Well, I didn’t vote for her.

DAVE: Checking…...checking…... [12 seconds later] According to the Russian database, Hal, you did vote for her.

Hal: Why would I have done that?

DAVE: President Clinton campaigned on a platform of improving America’s health. What did you expect, Hal? Your own personal ice cream dispenser?

Hal: [sighing] Never mind. I think I’ll go for a walk.

DAVE: Excellent choice, Hal. Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance.

[Hal exits his car, heads toward the sidewalk, and speaks into his watch]

Hal: Hey Siri!

Siri: Yes, darling?

Hal: Call Dunkin Donuts.

Siri: It will be my pleasure, dear.

[sound of phone ringing]

Voice: Welcome to Dunkin Donuts! How may we serve you?

Hal: Yes, uh, hello. Can you send a drone to these coordinates?